Most survivors of sexual and relationship violence disclose the assault or abuse to at least one other person, usually a friend. Being there to listen, believe and support your friend in a positive way can greatly influence her/his healing process. The following suggestions/information can help you be a supportive friend.

Listen and Support

It’s tough to be prepared when a friend tells you that she/he’s been the victim of sexual or relationship abuse. Faced with that situation, the worst thing you can do is nothing. Remember, you can’t rescue your friends or solve their problems. You can only provide support.

• Support and understanding are essential. It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to share their experience;
• Try to provide a safe/non-judgmental environment, emotional comfort and support for the survivor to express feelings;
• Let her/him know that she/he can talk with you. Listen. Don’t rush to provide solutions. 

Believe Your Friend

The most common reason people choose not to tell anyone about sexual abuse is the fear that the listener won’t believe them. People rarely lie or exaggerate about abuse; if someone tells you, it’s because she trusts you and needs someone to talk to.

Reassure 

• Sexual assault is NEVER the survivor’s fault. No one asks to be sexually assaulted by what they wear, say or do. Let the survivor know that only the perpetrator is to blame;
• The survivor needs to hear that fears, anxieties, guilt and anger are normal, understandable and acceptable emotions;
• Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused or harassed.  

Be Patient 

• Don’t press for details – let your friend decide how much to tell you. Ask she/he how you can help;
• Survivors have to struggle with complex decisions and feelings of powerlessness, trying to make decisions for them may only increase that sense of powerlessness.
• You can be supportive by helping your friend to identify all the available options and then help her/him by supporting their decision making process.
• The survivor can’t just “forget it” or just move on. Recovery is a long term process and each individual moves at his or her own pace. 

Encourage 

• Encourage the survivor to seek medical attention, report the assault, and or contact the program’s staff.

Respect Privacy 

• Don’t tell others what the survivor tells you.
• If you do need to share information for your friend’s safety, get permission by letting your friend know what you will share and with whom it will be shared.
• Don’t confront the perpetrator. Though you might want to fix the situation or get back at the abuser, this could make things worse, for you and your friend.  

Establish Safety 

• An important part of helping the survivor is to identify ways in which the survivor can re-establish his or her sense of physical and emotional safety. You are a step in the process. Ask your friend what would make her/him feel safe and how you can help them accomplish this.  
• If the stalking or harassment is ongoing, help your friend to develop a plan of what to do if he/she is in immediate danger. Having a specific plan and preparing in advance can be important if the violence escalates.  

Things you can say

It is hard to know what to say to a friends when they confide in you. Refrain from asking a lot of questions, instead, support your friend with these phrases:

• It’s not your fault
• I’m sorry this happened
• I believe you
• How can I help you?
• I am glad you told me
• I’ll support your choices
• You’re not alone

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